I keep an online journal. It is an interesting website for writing a journal. Every week, it picks a random entry from the past and sends it to me to remind me to write journal entry. There are a few problems with writing a journal online. The most important problem, of course, is that they just can’t figure out how to recreate the purple glitter pen experience of writing a journal. One of the other problems with the website is that I am sent the previous entries with the sentence, “Oh snap! Do you remember writing this?”. I don’t know why, but that always bothers me.
A lot of men feel that writing in a journal is somewhat effeminate. I am here to tell you most emphatically that it is effeminate. I write in journals because it is recommended by my previous therapists and my recovery program. I have started and stopped about 10 journals in my adult life. Sadly, none of them have been written in purple glitter pen.
I don’t know why I choose to continue the journal when I ignore so much of what my therapists said. It can be truly said that I ignore their advice for no good reason. I don’t think I know more about psychiatry or recovery. I am just a bit lazy, uninspired or maybe just a bit lazy when it comes to personal homework. Here is my million dollar idea…create a video game that is actually therapy. Make it like a role-playing game where you can select your mental disorders and then you go through the therapy exercises as puzzles. Ok, granted it will probably not help with social anxiety disorders or other anti-social disorders. Actually, now that I think about it, schizophrenia and other delusional disorders would probably not be helped by immersing themselves in an alternate reality. So basically, my million dollar idea is a few hundred dollar idea that would allow me to pretend I am actively pursuing good mental health. Sounds good to me. Get on it developers.
One of the disturbing things about re-reading my old entries is how similar they are to what is going on in my life at the moment. On first look, I feel that I have not made any life improvements since I wrote those. This (and this is difficult to say) is not true. The fact of the matter is that it is far easier to fall into a depression than it is to get out of one. When one’s face and body is covered in raw sewage, it is difficult to accept a cleaned a hand as progress. The reality of the situation is simpler. I have been in the same job for almost 15 years. I have been trying to fix some of my personality disorders for over 10 years. It is only natural that I will have similar issues at certain points.
I have been making progress in some social aspects of life. In 2008, the concept of joining a social club such as Toastmasters was about as reachable as my winning an Ironman Triathlon. The idea of trying to keep fighting through life was equally as daunting. People did not want to spend time with me socially or at work. Things are better today, but there is still some cleaning to be done. An example of the improvement happened today. I called a co-worker and said “hey, I am not scheduled for anything and was wondering if you needed my help”. This can be a touchy question to some project managers. Because I am more experienced than many people in the office, it can feel like I am saying “You can’t do this job and you need my help”. Some people feel they need to prove their abilities (even though they probably don’t) in running projects. Again, in 2008, the answer probably would have been “no”. Today, I didn’t even get the sentence out of my mouth before the job lead said “Yes”. This is a massive improvement. I know this post isn’t as funny as my regular posts. It is hard to be funny about this subject. I just want you to know I am secretly mooning you.