Hypochondria and other pleasant emotions

It is the Christmas holiday season. Every year at this time I wish for a few things. A couple of them are geeky, and a couple of them are not. 

We all know which one is closer to my heart, so that is where I will start. The first thing I wish is that we adjust our calendar so that each month has 30 days, with the last few days of the year set aside for a festival. This is geeky for two reasons. One, it is calendar based wishes. That is closely linked with astronomy, meteorology, and some forms of mathematics. The second reason this is geeky is because this is loosely based on Tolkien’s “Shire Reckoning” calendar. 

The second geeky thing I always wish for requires planning and a little hope. Every year, on Christmas day, I want to watch all of the following: The Doctor Who Christmas Special, The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Hogfather, Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and The Fifth Element. I rarely watch all of them on Christmas day, only partly because that is 9 hours of television. Mainly because I have to dig through all my DVD’s and I would have to get up off the couch when I could just as easily *not* get off the couch.

I usually try to spend some time with my family. Everyone tries to spend time with family around the holidays. Most of my actual “family” is unknown to me. My father’s side of the family resembles the “nothing” from Never-ending story. I am sure they are there somewhere, but know idea where they are or even who they are. Most of my mother’s side of the family is the same way. On the plus side, I have fewer presents to buy. I actually consider most of my “family” some friends that I served in the Navy with and people in the Celebrate recovery ministry. This is not a bad thing, it just is. From what I gather, most ‘family” Christmas events that other people have make the Texas Chainsaw Massacre seem like wishful thinking.

Every year, I try, but never actually go, to attend church on Christmas. I really don’t like church on Christmas and Easter holidays because there are so many people. Disease riddled, stressed, stinky, coughing, snot filled, dirty people. Oh, I meant lovely and fun people…or whatever I was supposed to say there. I also struggle with being a single guy, alone in crowd comprised of lots of close groups or families. Instead of church, I have dinner and watch movies. It seems better for my mental processes.

In addition to avoiding disease riddled holiday church, I also usually avoid Christmas parties. I don’t avoid Christmas parties because of diseases, but because I usually don’t know of any. This year I went to the Toastmasters Christmas Party. It was a lot of fun. I always participate in the White Elephant gift exchange with the intention of giving, but not taking, some worthless trinket. This year, I picked up an extra present. Someone in the past week shared a cold with me.

I am sure I am a typical male when it comes to being sick. I assume the worst at all times. I get a minor cough and cold that lasts more than 48 hours and I assume it is lung cancer or the hiv or psychosomatic pregnancy. Nothing makes me realize how much of a pansy I am when it comes to pain like a minor illness. I always want a robot wife to apply steam towels to my head and chest. Now, I know, most people would wish for a human. I just feel that possibly the desire to be in control of another person’s vocal abilities may not be the most genteel of attitudes. When I get sick, I can tell the symptoms by the foods I crave. If I crave citrus, it will be primarily sinus/chest congestion. If I crave apple juice, hooray for nausea. If I am craving Pepto Bismol, I am in serious trouble as that always makes me throw up. If I crave ice cream I have…hold on, need to think about this one…dandruff?  I generally listen to this type of craving, right up until I crave salad. I am sure salad cravings are some sort of sign of schizophrenia or possible demon possession. The only cure for that is Milk Duds or Bible reading. I do both just in case.  

When my sickness lasts for more than three days, and I wish I were making this up, I start looking at WebMD for what my illness could be. Now, just to be clear, WebMD should be treated the same as kittens coated in plutonium. It may look sweet and innocent but it all leads to cancer. I cannot emphasize this enough, Never ever ever ever ever ever look at WebMD when you are sick. Look at something more calming like shark attack videos instead. Unfortunately, getting sick at Christmas time seems to be another of my traditions. I think it is even less popular than my tradition of picking people’s New Year’s Resolutions for them.

 

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One thought on “Hypochondria and other pleasant emotions

  1. You can always join your “sister” Melanie in everyone’s favorite bustling city…..more of a metropolis really. 🙂 I’ll watch Elf with ya…..oh and The Fifth Element!

    PS. I’ve never been included on the you picking my new year’s resolution……I shudder to think what it would be though…….oh no…..

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