This is a speech I gave tonight at Toastmasters. I may use it in a Humorous Speech Contest this fall. It needs some tweaks, but I am not quite sure where as of tonight. Stage directions to myself have asterisk.
Thank you Mr. Toastmaster
I need to make this quick because I only had one dinner tonight and I am worried that I am going to fade away.
I hate the gym. I know some of you heard that and thought (*sarcastic voice*) “Really? What a shock!” To those people, I say…Hush! This body came from a steroid overdose. There are steroids in donuts, right?
Whenever you go to the gym, there is always the person at the front desk. This person’s job is to make sure you don’t “steal” the gym. Maybe it is just me, but if I knew that my job could be replaced by facial recognition software that is available today, I would try to be nicer. They are extra rude to fat people. When I walk in, they look at me as if they are thinking “No, the pizza place is around the corner. you must be lost.” I am sure they have a hard job. The must need to go to a special school to learn to read one name every 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Maybe it is just a “very special” school, with very short buses.
Every gym has certain staples that are required for the building to be called a “gym”. Now, I don’t know if these guys are hired on or if they travel around as a hobby, but every gym has a naked old man that likes to stand like this (*Put one leg up on a chair or step in the ‘Captain Morgan” pose with elbow on the knee and an extra wide stance*) and talk to people. This can be especially disconcerting because they are sometimes sneaky. One minute, you are sitting on the bench and putting on your shoes. Then you look over and scream (*shriek*) “Not in the face, Not in the face!”. this can be bad, because sometimes the old man only hears the scream, so he thinks you are in trouble and moves closer to help you. This only exacerbates the problem, or problems, as they get closer to your face.
Another hated staple of the gym is the set of lockers that face each other with one bench in between. Sometimes, this configuration can cause two stranger’s naked backsides to meet in what can only be described as a horrible romantic comedy.
(*this bit was forgotten and needs tweaks*) After you have survived the psychological terrors of the gym locker room, you walk into the gym and see that everyone is in better shape than you. There are male and female Greek statues with such defined shoulder muscles, you could use them to bend steel. People are doing pull-ups while their body is horizontal, parallel to the ground, because regular pull-ups are just too easy. people have stacked dumb bells on their ends and are doing handstands on them. I always want to yell at them, “Listen freaks, go get a cape and fight crime like God intended. Leave the gym. You are done.” I restrain because I have seen every comic book movie, and the guy that yells at the freaks always gets a free butt-whoopin. (*end of forgotten bit*)
Even though I hate the gym, I don’t mind working out. One day, I received the suggestion that I should try yoga. So I went. I didn’t know. A lot of meaning can be taken from that phrase, I didn’t know. My first yoga experience was Bikram Yoga. If you don’t know what Bikram yoga is, let me explain. Someone found a portal to Hell and then said “is there any way we can make it hotter?” and put some heaters in the room. Then people pay to practice yoga. The problem with having fat people do yoga in a hot room is that you either get a horrendous smell, or in my case you smell and hear sizzling bacon.
The yoga positions had strange names. I couldn’t remember the names, so I made names up for the positions. “Downward Facing Dog” became “Position I fell in while drunk”. There is another position where you wrap your right leg in front of your left leg and try to hook your right foot behind your left calf. And Squeeze (because why not). I couldn’t get my legs in position, because I have bones and cartilage and such. The yoga teacher came over and yanked on my leg, putting the squeeze on some parts. I thought my world had ended. I limped away from the class, trying not to cry.
I went to another yoga class where the teacher was not so (*sarcastic*) Hands on. They taught me “warrior pose”, an I kept giggling. You get a nice wide stance, exposing all the vulnerable parts and then extend your hands all the way away from your body, just like every fighting stance. You want to make certain that every vulnerability is wide open and your hands can’t defend anything. “Warrior”. In addition to making me laugh because of the name, the position made me laugh for another reason. Men are not usually what you would call ‘connoisseurs’ when it comes to buying underwear. Sometimes we buy underwear in the twenty pack that includes a free lighter. We that level of quality sometimes causes some…bunching…in areas. When that happens and you are unable to adjust, sometimes you take a super long step to clear things out. This is what warrior pose looked like to me.
That’s all I got (*seriously, no conclusion and poor grammar is your close? Fix this*)